Red Tape

I wish that I could tell you that our sweet boy is home now.  I wish that I could share pictures of our family and show you his amazing smile.  I pray that day comes soon.  Unfortunately, "Adam" is still in a foster home.  John and I were licensed for kids 6-12.  That Adam is 14 doesn't seem like a big deal.  But, it is.  We have to get a new license.  Which means, we have to get a new Home Study.  And a thorough background check on my amazing mom, who has agreed to come and stay with us to help us through this transition.  For now, we get every weekend.  It is the highlight of our week, getting to spend just a little more time with him.  Next week is his birthday.  I can't wait to bake his cake and watch him unwrap his gifts and stand surrounded by the love in our home.  We even get to have the Stinkin' Rottens here to celebrate with us!

We are finding it increasingly difficult to remain positive.  We know God is in control, and His perfect plan will come together in His perfect timing.  So, we continue to pray and give Him our worries.  We rest in His promises, and know that everything will be just right in the end!

Dinner Date

Last night, my Cowboy and I finally had the chance to read through "Adam"'s CPS file. It was much more heart wrenching than we expected it to be.  I will not share the details, because it isn't my story to tell.  But, I can tell you this: he will never have another day wondering if he is loved. We are his family.  We don't have to wait until we grow to love him.  We love him now.  He is our son, and that's all there is to it!

Tomorrow night we have our first official meeting.  We will be having dinner with Adam and his case worker, Rhonda.  After this first meeting, we will have a day visit, and then one overnight visit before he can be placed with us.  I am so nervous.  Isn't that silly?  I'm nervous about saying the wrong thing.  I'm nervous about whether he'll like us.  I'm nervous about spilling my food in my lap and looking like a moron.  Let's face it, that is an entirely likely scenario!

I'm not going to worry, though, about how tomorrow will go.  Instead, I am going to praise God for this blessing.  I am going to sing and shout and raise my hands, and just be thankful.  I am going to pray for guidance and wisdom in parenting this beautiful, sweet soul.  I am going to pray for his birth family, that God will open their hearts to His love and mercy, and break the sinful strongholds in their lives.  I will pray for the foster families, social workers, and law enforcement officers who have to see the devastation of abuse and neglect on a daily basis, and yet retain their compassion for humanity.  And I am going to pray for Adam, and that he will know his value as a child of God.

Paper Pregnant

Two and a half weeks ago, Cowboy and I were deemed a match for a certain teenage boy.  I'll call him Adam here, as we are not allowed to release any information about him publicly until he's ours.  The next step will be to read his full, unredacted file.  All the horrors he's endured.  The reasons he went into Care in the first place.  Comments and opinions from his relatives, teachers, doctors, counselors, fellow foster kids, and foster parents.  Right now, I pray for discernment.  Naturally, we want to protect our other kids from any potential danger, and knowing Adam's history will help us with that.  But, it's the other bits of information that concern me.  I started thinking, what would my file look like?  If my siblings and parents, coworkers and former employers were given a chance to write up what they really thought of me?  Of my behavior?  Of my past mistakes and poor decisions?  What about my former in-laws? People I've been rude to?  I can only imagine the laundry list of sins they could compile!  So, I'm praying that God will show us what He wants us to see.  I'm praying that we simply follow God's guidance, and not our own doubts and worries.  And, above all else, I'm praying that Adam knows God, and knows who he is in Christ.  We are "paper pregnant", and I can't wait to introduce you to our son!

Grace and Mercy

I was reading my niece's blog (https://karaleighkinsey.com/2016/05/18/puppies-reflections/) today, and I came across what is one of the most (unintentionally) profound statements I've ever read.  She was taking pictures of her two dogs, Grace and Mercy.  Grace is the older, about 2.5 years old, and Mercy is just 9 weeks.  In comparing the size of the two, she commented how, soon, Mercy would be twice as big as Grace.  Doesn't that just give you all the hope you'll ever need?  Grace is, simply put, God blessing us even though we don't deserve it.  And, that alone, is wonderful and beautiful and makes my soul dance.  But, Mercy.  Mercy is God not punishing us for our sins, although we deserve it.  Mercy is my Jesus hanging on the Cross, broken and bleeding and bruised, and still asking the Father to forgive us.  Mercy is knowing, despite the thousands of times I've failed in my walk with Christ, that my home is forever in Heaven with Him.  Grace is beautiful and uplifting and makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and I am thankful every day for God's grace.  But, it's His mercy that brings me to my knees, fills my heart with love and my eyes with tears.  His mercy is everything!

It's Official!!

God has the best sense of humor!  We have finally received our certificate of approval for adoption, after nine months of waiting.  Did you catch that?  God said we had to wait 9 months, like everyone else.  Such irony!  Naturally, life has continued as we wait.  The price of oil has plummeted, which in turn causes massive layoffs in the oil and gas industry.  The industry, of course, in which Cowboy and I are both employed.  We're nervous.  We're nervous about losing our jobs.  We're nervous about finalizing an adoption when our finances could be in danger.  We're nervous about ensuring that a stranger feels secure in this family.  But, we're also excited.  We are so blessed to have the little family we currently have, and blessed to be expanding.  I can't wait to see who God picks for us!

Separate But Equal

So, while this has nothing to do with adoption, it is what's on my mind today.  I am currently in a friendly Facebook debate.  A very dear friend of mine posted, asserting that married couples who maintain separate finances are outside of God's will.  Naturally, I disagreed with her, which led to our further discussion.  Here's where I stand:  Cowboy and I were both married to other people before.  We both dealt with the messy, agonizing chaos that poor financial decisions can be.  This is not finger-pointing.  This is simple fact.  We keep separate accounts.  Hear me on this: THAT DOES NOT MEAN THERE IS FINANCIAL DIVISION IN OUR MARRIAGE.  Point of fact, there is financial UNITY in our marriage.  There exists a level of financial peace in our marriage that neither of us has ever known before.  We do not hide our purchases from one another.  We do not deceive one another about how much or how little we have saved.  We know what our responsibilities are, both together and separately, and we make darn sure we're meeting them.  Cowboy pays child support, as he should.  I pay for my own shoe addiction, as I should.  The house note is paid, on time, without fail.  As are the vehicle notes, insurance premiums, utility bills, HOA fees and every other expense we have.  There is no dereliction of our fiscal duties.  We frequently discuss what bills we have, what expenses we have, what budgeting adjustments we need to make.  We are not financially separate, our accounts are.

I hate to even use the word "offensive", because it has become so ridiculously overused in our society.  But, I find it offensive that a fellow Christian would so blatantly judge my faith, my commitment to my Father and my marriage simply because I choose to steward my finances differently than she.  I hear from many people (including her) that my marriage is a standard to which they aspire.  And, I agree.  My marriage is strong.  My marriage is sanctified.  My marriage is not defined by who signs the checks.  What I'm saying is simply this:  I do not need to ask my husband for permission to buy a $1000 pair of shoes.  I also RESPECT my husband enough that I'm not going out and buying them whenever a whim hits!



With deepest conviction,

Katherine the Shoe Lover

It's almost Christmas...

You know those days.  The ones where you beat yourself up.  The ones where you are feeling sorry for yourself, you know you're doing it, and you just can't stop it.  That's what today is for me.  I really thought we would have, at the very least, met Squishy by now.  I feel it as a loss, like I was supposed to have this and I don't and I feel cheated.  How ridiculous is that?  How selfish?  What my head knows, is that I should be thinking about how Squishy feels.  I should be sad for him having to go (another?) Christmas without a family of his own.  I should be on my knees praying that God brings comfort to ALL the Squishies in the world who are waiting for their forever families.  But, here I sit.  Pity party, table for one!

I worry about Cowboy, and the incredible pain he's in.  He'll be having hip replacement surgery in three weeks, and he's not even 40 yet!  My heart breaks for him and the hell he's living right now.  I pray furiously for him.  If anyone deserves a break in this life, it's my Cowboy.  I've never in my life known a man so kind, compassionate, generous.  I would give anything to take the pain from him.

On the plus side, it's almost Christmas!  The house is decorated, the gifts are wrapped, the love is boundless!  We have helped friends, indulged our children, and celebrated with friends.  And, though I complain from time to time (see above), I could not have dreamed of a better life, and I thank God every day for these blessings! Merry Christmas!